Since doing the TV programme ‘A Country Life for Half the Price’, many people have enquired as to why I wear a headscarf. I have been reticent about sharing my reasons, but prayerfully decided to be brave and share my testimony about it. I don’t ever want to appear legalistic or in anyway suggest others should follow suit, this is just my personal conviction.
I wrote down the testimony for some friends in a prayer group a year after I started covering (I started wearing a headscarf in 2016) and I want to share it as I wrote it down then, because it is then a fresh testimony of God’s kindness.
I have a testimony to share about fear, God’s protection and wifely submission. It is very personal and is not intended to be a rule for all, but God spoke to my heart and my obedience to him has resulted in multiple blessings.
Thanks be to God for he has rescued me from two years of debilitating postnatal anxiety. I have been free for over a year now and he has transformed my daily life. A small step of obedience on my part has allowed God to do an extraordinary work in my life. God has led me to write this testimony and I hope it is an encouragement to you all that we have a God who can rescue us from our everyday trials.
About four days after the birth of my sixth child I started to get the baby blues, but rather than crying constantly, fear gripped my stomach and I could not look at my daughter without thinking there was something wrong with her. Over the weeks this fear was added to by a fear that I might have cancer, first bowel cancer, which my mother died of, and secondly skin cancer, which two of my friends had had post birth. The fear got worse and worse, I could not be alone in a bathroom without looking in mirrors and seeing things other people wouldn’t notice, reading into every bodily ailment the most life threatening possibilities. My mother died at 47 and she had spent many years ignoring her symptoms and I lived in fear that my responsibility as a mother was to get every symptom checked in case I was not doing my bit, I wanted to stay alive to raise my children.
During my next pregnancy I feared toxins, bleach fumes, eating the wrong foods, basically I felt so responsible for the life inside me that if I had not done everything right then it would be my fault if something went wrong. The worse point of this fear trap finally came one night when my husband was away on business, I was trapped, whatever I did had risks, I could not look at myself, I felt knots in my stomach all the time and I began to panic and I cried out to The Lord, SAVE ME, please deliver me from all my fears.
As I waited on The Lord a picture came into my head of the Amish women and I pondered their perceived serenity, surely they would not be so self focused and fear driven? I am sure many are, but this was God’s way of teaching me. I felt led at that moment to cover my head as they do, why, I did not yet know, but in obedience I put on a headscarf and continued to pray. Within 24 hours my fears left and over a year later they have not returned, praise God for His mighty deliverance.
Over the next few days I read my Bible trying to understand the importance of this symbol and God showed me many things. In Corinthians 11:10 Paul tells us that we ought to cover our heads because of the angels. I felt God telling me that this was the key for me, these angels were needed to protect me, to close the lions’ mouths shouting fears into my head. The symbol of blood around the doorway was used to tell the angel of death where to go and where to leave alone, I was being tormented and I needed protection, this head covering was my protection, it was the blood around the doorway of my mind. Samson was given his hair as his protection, Rahab had the red cord, and this was mine. Earthly symbols are important to God, baptism and communion as examples.
About a week later the fear was still gone and I wondered if I was being silly, had I made this all up? I would never sustain headcovering if I wasn’t convinced it was God led. God convinced me by leading me to a verse in Hosea 8:12, ‘though I wrote for him ten thousand precepts of My law, they are regarded as a strange thing.’ I know we are no longer under the law, but this confirmed his desire for me to practice this, ‘strange thing.’
So now, I wear a bandana and most people probably think it’s just a fashion acccesory, but God knows and the angels know that it is an outward symbol of my submission to my husband and therefore it is symbollic of God’s protection over me under the authority of my husband, who loves me and is far more rational about fears than I am. I spoke to my husband about this matter and he has really taken on his responsibility to protect me, particularly in the area of fear and worry. Now I will share with him my worry before it takes its grip on me and we pray about it together, I trust that this God’s way of protecting me.
I am so thankful to God and although I am slightly nervous sharing this testimony, in obedience I share and I trust that God will use it for his purposes.
I have felt extreme fear just once since I started covering. A few months after writing up my testimony I became very ill and while I was in hospital, suffering from quinsy, I was in ‘bed mode’ and I didn’t wear a headcovering. I really feel like it left me open to spiritual attack, especially as my husband wasn’t with me. The overwhelming fear I experienced there was so extreme it felt supernatural. I cannot rationally explain the extreme nature of the fear, yes I had unpleasant procedures, but I have birthed 7 children without pain relief, fear simply took over. I feel like the devil saw a window of opportunity and, like Job, God permitted the devil to do what he did. This has reminded me again, that for me, headcovering is God’s will for me. I know of course that God allowed this for my good and maybe to help me understand his will for me.
Through all this, God has taught me so much about fear. It is the Devil’s way of preventing us carrying out the will of God. I pray I will never be captive to fear again and that, as God’s people, we will not be controlled by the Devil, through fear.
This is an update 6 years on.
I still wear a headcovering and I am convinced that it is the Lord’s will for me. My fears have never returned, if I slightly fear now I take it to my husband and we pray together and through prayer God delivers me, it no longer grips me. It has also given me opportunities to evangelise, as people ask me about it. The greatest benefit that I did not anticipate is the way in which it has transformed our marriage. We have always been close, but we now experience a oneness in our spirit which we never did before. My husband’s faith has grown immensely and I have seen him step more into the role of the family’s leader in the area of our faith. He knows I respect him and my headcovering is a daily reminder of this. He knows I need him and this makes him feel valued in our marriage.
One other thing I could never have imagined six years ago was that we would do a TV programme. The most asked questions have always been about our faith, and yet it was only briefly mentioned 3 times in the whole programme. I did wear my headcovering though throughout. It is an outward symbol of our faith and although most Christian women don’t wear one, maybe God wanted to make our faith really visible! It certainly caused waves when one newspaper interviewing us following the programme asked me to remove it for a photo, because they didn’t want people to think we had moved for ‘religious reasons’! I explained that I wouldn’t take it off as it would be disingenuous and that the people reading the article would then watch the programme and think it very strange that I was uncovered in the photograph. Anyway, they clearly thought it symbolised my faith. Just to think that six years ago God had all this planned out, isn’t he so amazing!
I hope this helps to explain my reasons for headcovering. Please feel free to ask any questions or leave any comments. If you feel led to, please do share the post with friends or on social media. Let’s tell the world what an awesome God we serve! May God bless each and everyone of you.