These wonderful individuals mean everything to me. They are the balm that heals my heart and they bring me immense joy. I am so grateful to be able to live life with them, in all its fullness.
Recently I celebrated a significant birthday, it wasn’t my fiftieth and it wouldn’t be significant to others, but to me it was huge. I turned 48 and finally I’m older than my mum ever was. It’s been strangely liberating, as if I’m not waiting for anything anymore, as if the clock’s been reset or my future is now a blank page waiting to be written on. It’s a mixture between exciting and reflective.
As my children grow up the reality hits that they have something I didn’t have, someone to lean on, talk to, hug, a safe place. I don’t think I’ve felt like I missed out, perhaps I just shut out those voices, but gradually I am seeing what I lost, but I’m also seeing what I’ve gained. Every single time my children say they love me or when the older ones phone me or when they make cards for me or just tell me they need me, I feel how immensely privileged I am. I don’t just get to love, I get to be loved. It always makes me pause, as I don’t naturally feel significant, but I’m aware how wanted I am and I’m learning to accept the gift of love God has given me through these children and my precious husband. I never take love for granted, it’s the heartbeat of the world, it’s what we all need to thrive.
This birthday I’ve been reflecting on the legacy my mum in me, a legacy of love and the gift of skills which I am learning came from her. She was passionate about words and writing and she was politically engaged, she enjoyed sewing, cooking and she loved children, when I reflect on all this, I make more sense, I know I came from someone. It sounds ridiculous, of course I came from someone but until recently I had no compass from which to find my origins. No one had talked much about Mum, and I had only a child’s perspective on who she was. Childhood photos and writing from her have triggered memories which I’d long buried, but which I now treasure. I now want to live the rest of my life both for her and for me. She always wanted to write a book, perhaps by writing I can honour her memory? In a way this blog is a way to honour her. Whatever I do, I want to live life fully and without regrets, to make the most of each day and to listen to the words she would say if she was here. She’d tell me go for it, to never give up and she’d tell me she loved me.
I often feel held back from fulfilling my potential by the feelings of inadequacy I carry. God knows my heart though and it was during my quiet time recently that the Lord quietened the self deprecating inner monologue long enough for me to hear the sparrows chirping outside. They’re always there but their sweet songs blend into the chaos of life. At that particular moment though, I paid attention. I immediately knew He was reminding me, I am ‘worth more than many sparrows’, Matthew 10:31. I quietly teared up as my heart was filled with the understanding that He made me for a purpose and he truly loves me. I’m still riding high on that revelation weeks later. Everyday I can say I’m His, He loves me and I am of infinite value to Him, we all are.
God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, but he also loved each one of us individually, so much that He gave His Son’s life as a ransom for ours. We are each precious to Him.
To each of my readers I say, you are loved, you are precious and you are created for a purpose. Live life fully, for each day is a gift.
Sending you all blessings, Vicki